walking with mental illness

Do you know that I have less than thirty seconds to catch your attention? That is my age group. I have less for the younger generation. That is a lot of pressure. Trying to reach out and help people free of charge has turned out to be an exhausting task. You would think that a certified person whom is offering services free of charge would be slammed pack. Especially in the days and time we live in. Where "big box" counselors are in it for the money. The are in it because every script they write they get kick backs on. So instead of dealing with the root problem and cutting through the BS. Because if this were done scripts writing would be cut in half. Diagnosis would be cut in half. People who suffer in silence do not want to go to counseling because common sense knows that it will not be a two week process. It will end up being life long. A lot of the time people who suffer just need someone to listen. Not take over their life and tell them what they want to hear. Or give t...

It is bitter because what I am about to say to you, will be bitter for you to accept. But there is sweetness. 😌 When it comes right down to brass tax. At the end of the day. We have to take 100% responsibility for our part in every situation that ever happened in our lives. Period. When I took responsibility even in my physical harm when I was little. My part was the fact I should have told someone instead of going to counselors and not talking about the real issues. I could have maybe saved some part of my soul from the thousand other problems I created from this one main issue. My schizophrenia was traumatic onset. I think I have always been different in the way I think and listen. I have always been eccentric. I was born with my 6th sense. I was born being able to feel and see things that others are skeptical on. But as far as the full blown mental illness and rage maybe it could have been avoided if I would have just spoke with someone for real. Now when I looked at the people wh...

Have you ever read something or listened to something and thought "I need to share that on social media because someone needs it?" This is where I have found myself. Thinking that I no longer need teaching. Thinking I have learned all I can learn and I know so much that its time for me to give my knowledge to the world. LOL. I have to laugh at myself because getting upset will only make my days harder to claw through. So here I am realizing I have got way more to learn. That it is me who actually needs what I am sharing on social media. It almost got to where I wasn't even listening like a student I was listening like a teacher and a master. Saying "yeah so and so needs this" instead of accepting that I am the one needing it. There is one thing that is very easy to do when you are helping others is to become too big for our britches. God says to "humble yourselves before Him."  Why does this seem to be a hard task. I can share with you my thoughts as...

I spoke a little yesterday on the small things being triggers. At least they are small to outsiders. But they are huge game changers when you are fighting to get sober. When long time addicts decide they are sick and tired of being sick and tired there is nothing and I mean nothing easy about the road to sober living. I am going to try and put this into words and pray that I can help you understand. First, imagine you are watching a knock down drag out boxing match. Best boxing match you had ever seen. One guy is 8 foot tall and 500 pounds of solid muscle . The other guy is 140 pounds with not a lot of strength. There is blood everywhere from the hits. The 140 pounder gets knocked out over and over again. He cant see because his eyes are swollen shut. I mean he is getting his ass handed to him. The rounds are going full time limit. But the 140 pounder is still standing. Beat to hell but still standing. The 8 footer, he does not have a mark on him and with each round he seems to be gett...

When the whole family is sick the whole family needs treated. I was reminded of how the little things are triggers. If someone goes to rehab the real sobriety doesn't start until they are put back in their environment. Also the color of their room and the old clothes they used to wear. The spoons stuck in the books. Or the paraphernalia they forgot in their hoodie. The smell of the comforter where they done their business. I can take you to my closet and show you the exact shirt I was wearing the last time I got high. So when one decides to go off to get help the first thing that needs to be done is a total redo in their room. Period. Now as far as the rest of the family. There should be an evaluation. Does mom have a problem? Does dad? Does whoever else is in their life? If so ,then treatment needs to begin at a family level. Why should one person carry all the weight and baggage of an entire family? As far as 30 days. It is a start. There are deep rooted issues when it comes to a...

I will be the first to admit that I played with to much darkness. It was all consuming. It was easy. Living in the light with positive intention has not always been easy. It takes conscious awareness day in, day out to realize and accept we are energy. And energy can be bad. You know me by now, and know that I love quotes so here is a great one. "There is a battle of two wolves going on inside you. One is bad and one is good. Which one will win today? Answer: The one you feed."  I think because my mind was so jarred at the young age of 11 and the things I was hearing and seeing made the darkness thicker and blacker. Hope was becoming a word that I gave up on. The darkness loves brokenness. I have been thinking about things a lot, to the point that I think I am excessively alone. But I am comfortable in my silence. I am very strong and out spoken. I am a truth teller and I am working on incorporating love in my words, But I am not done learning what love is. How do you handle ...

This is a mystery. For me anyways. Why am I here on this earth? I have tried all kinds of things to see if that is what I am supposed to be doing like, counseling, Lotion making, I wrote a screenplay, I came up with an invention, On and on. Trying to find out where I fit in and what I am supposed to be doing with myself. It was not until lately that I know the vibrations I put out are the same vibrations I get back. So I study hard on that. I try to smile a little more when smiling, to me, looks so ridiculous on my face. Not used to smiling at all. People judge me and say I look angry. But I'm not. I literally have to think about smiling before it ever shows on my face. It is who I am. Hard to walk up to people and say "Hi my name is Doni and I make homemade lotions." Do you know how stupid I feel? Then of course I can feel them judging me. I do not have the best clothes hell I only have the same clothes I have had for years. My kids have the good clothes and the new shoe...

So finally I think I will be able to speak of the kind of relationships that I have had. Let me just say completely engulfed to completely lost about sums it up. I can say that I absolutely have trust issues, The first man I was in love with I was 15. He was a basketball star. I was the cheerleader. We were in the children's home together. I was so engulfed. Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt?  Unfortunately my dad was not happy because his skin color was not like mine. We will come back to this first love. The second was a not healthy but I was also engulfed. I spent 7 years with the second. He decided to go out of state and I was supposed to go after he got there and got a place. I was responsible for selling all his stuff and sending him all the money. Needless to say, I never seen him again. A phone call to tell me "I wont be back and I found someone else and by the way thanks for sending me the money." So I met probably the man that absolutely stole my heart...

It is a natural instinct to label an addict as weak or dirty. I actually think it is a way for people not to care or make themselves feel better not to care. It is very easy to say "well, he could straighten his or her life up if they wanted to." But this is not always the case. To want to, is not enough. Its a step but its not enough. From my experience I can tell you that addiction can hit the strongest of people. I personally didn't smoke a cigarette until I was 23. I prided myself on being a survivor of my darkness. Even though the world stood against me. Here is a key. Just because I was an addict and still am a recovering addict doesn't make me any less of a human being than you. The only difference between you and I is where we come from and the lives we lived. The support system we had. Like so many addicts I can relate to the fact that we just want to be loved and accepted. When we are the ones who supply the dope. We are the ones who have people show up all ...

When I was put in to placement there were a couple of times where they let me out for L.O.A. "Leave of absence". I was given a couple chances to see if I could function in society. When I was in placement facility we had school classes. They were 5 to 6 students. Needless to say I done really well in their school. But when I was let out for my trial I was put back in a school where everyone knew I was struggling. Unfortunately this made me a target. I was a really good gymnast but didn't fit well on the cheerleaders team. I honestly didn't fit well anywhere and by this time I was dressed in full black clothing all the time. Smiling was not something I had grown good at. I had a big chip on my shoulder. It was me against the world. Funny sometimes I still feel like that. Anyways, I would walk the hallways struggling with what was going on on the inside of me. While hearing "your crazy" all day. I was called "Crazy" so much that In started to believe...

I understand now. I understand that under all this pain and shame lies an eccentric person. In my meetings with people I have learned that I am not the only one. Society tells us that being different is bad. That dancing in public or purple and orange do not go together. After some time of being sober I realized I am different as with a lot of the addicts and recovering addicts I work with. We are what society calls eccentric.Very creative. A lot of eccentrics are musicians, poetry writers. We are the ones wearing the bright colors. We are the ones who wear the different shoes that no one else would wear. We dare to dance on the outside of the lines. Today I love being me. But it came with a cost. If you have been reading my blog I do not need to explain. Eccentric : Unconventional and slightly strange. This is the definition for us. We think differently. We have different methods to our madness. But with this, growing up it is very hard to fit in. Pushing down our true selves becomes ...

I was very hesitant on whether to share this or not but I need to. There was a situation that happened when I was 11 years old actually there was a couple things that were really bad that happened in a matter of a month to me. One of them I will probably not speak of. But this situation was life changing for me. If you have been reading my blog you know that my dad was everything to me. Well when I was little every summer I was sent to a family member to stay the whole summer. It was a huge home. There was a beauty salon that smelled like old perms downstairs. And there were the seats that spin   all the way around. I used to love spinning in those chairs. In the side yard there was this steep hill with a huge area. I remember being over there and hearing the sound that was loud but yet soothing. I looked up and the whole side yard was literally covered with dragonflies. They had to be in the thousands. I was in awe and scared at the same time. They were all hovering over the whole...

In all the counseling and all the psychiatrists that I seen all of them gave me bad advice when it came to my voices. I was always told not to listen to them and to ignore them. I recently took notice to all the medicine that was being shoved down my throat. The medicine was supposed to make the voices quiet. When in actuality it sometimes made them louder and meaner. I felt completely powerless. After some time of being out of the institution I was driving and the voice was telling me to pull my steering wheel into a tree going 60 mph. There were times I was doing dishes and washing knives and the voice would tell me to turn the knife on myself. I do remember a time when I locked myself in the bathroom and pulled the vein out of my arm with a pencil. I was young when that happened. One of the reasons I was sent off. Which it was needed. I did need some help. But not set out like Tuesdays trash. As I got older and the addiction really kicked in. I can see the trail. I was taking so man...

I was institutionalized on December 23rd,1988. I remember very well it being very difficult. It was only me on the wing at Valle Vista. I was watching Beetle juice sitting in the middle of a long hallway. I was missing everyone pretty bad and I had cried myself to sleep for two days. I didn't think no one was coming to see me. I had not seen anyone since my arrival at Valle Vista which was supposed to be a short term facility. Six weeks or less. But I was there eight months. Lost and alone does not even begin to explain how I felt. By this time I had a couple of suicide attempts. So I was on suicide watch. Which they took everything from me anyways. But I was sitting in the hallway and the tunnels that lead into the facility were glass see through windows. I remember looking over and seeing my dad walking down the hallway with his hands full of presents. One big box that was pink. I got so excited. I had not seen my dad in a while. I missed him very much. He was let in and gave me ...

As I laid in my room last night I was filled with memories. I knew when I started writing my truths it would open up "old wounds". I have a hard time calling it that because my situation made me grow as a person. I hold that close to my heart. It is my sanity in an insane life. Pain makes us grow. "It breaks you or makes you" another true statement. I started to remember all the letters I wrote, all the poetry I wrote. I was really good at poetry but they were very dark. Just because that was what I felt more deeply. In the institutions we had contact by written letters. I remember sending probably hundreds out. Every day around noon they came in with the mail. Everyday I hoped that one of those letters were for me. Everyday I was let down. When you have hope for something that you get excited about and are continuously let down something breaks sooner or later. Same as with my ex husband. Every day I worked. I cooked and cleaned and you could eat off my floors. Eve...

 I look around and as I spoke of in an earlier blog about the "sunshine and rainbow" millenniums. I really got to thinking about why I am who I am. Growing up from 11 to 17 having a snickers bar was a privilege not something that was given just because I asked. So when I was able to go on leave with my Casa worker and go to Hardees it was a big deal. Your tongue forgets the sensation of the chocolate shake and the juicy hamburger. I guess my point is, maybe we should make more things unavailable in order to get the appreciation and the gratitude. Seems to be a completely lost emotion. After paying some attention I realized that who I was and who I am now is a direct reflection of how I grew up from 11 to 17. As far as my relationships that is a blog all in itself. All I can say is I am a 41 year old female with 2 boys and I have been single for 5 years. I have had only short periods of human touch in those 5 years and it made mt skin crawl. Right now it would take one heck of...

You have to know that writing this blog was by far not the easiest thing to do. To put all my pain, to be able to finally tell the truth about my life and the uphill battle I have been fighting since the age of 11. Of course there are some things that I have left out. Some things are just not worth bringing up. It will not change the circumstances. So it no longer matters. Now to be able to come to this point in my life, I literally feel like I am stuck in quick sand trying to bust loose of all the things that are so easily pinned on me. Example: Because I was a very bad person. Because I am Schizo. Because I am a recovering addict, there is vulnerability. It is very easy for people to believe that I am full of crap. Or that I did a bad thing. Or I was mean to someone because in reality I have one big issue, using gentleness. (I'm working on it) My life of being locked away, there was one thing that was never used with me and that was "is all sunshine and rainbows". No on...

Unfortunately we live in an Instagram and face book time. You have to realize that the life of addiction is a learned behavior. When children watch as mom and dad sell dope. All the people in and out of the house all hours of the night and day. This is all their kids see. I understand because I was that parent. Now sober I am trying to learn how to show my children that actual love they deserve. But Its easier said than done. When these kids have no patients. Its all about them and their feelings. The sunshine and rainbow millennium. We have no one to blame but ourselves. Its hard to love a person whether its your child or not when every chance they get they stick it to you. We are no longer allowed to discipline our children. Someone is always sticking their nose in your business. Yet we wonder where we failed. When we gave our children all the power. That is where we failed. There is a huge difference between discipline and beatings. We have a serious problem on our hands. Disrespect...

Sometimes we have to let go for ourselves. Letting go could be taking the higher road. We all have toxic people in our lives. But what happens when those toxic people are close to you? Or supposed to be. Studying human behavior there is one thing that we all have in common, when we have it we don't want it. When we don't have it we want it. Some are a little more dramatic than others. Sometimes the people around us who say they want the best for you and should want the best for you,  Do not. Its the facts. This problem is a big one. A good support system is key in helping someone deal with an addiction. Now does this mean bailing someone out of jail continually, No. This means always having listening ears for the ones suffering in silence. Not contributing. When you bail someone out over and over it is only showing them that they can do what they want and have no consequences. I have watched young kids be locked up and here comes the family immediately to bail them out. They we...

Are you lonely or alone? We can even have someone to come home to and still be alone. Laying by someone in bed and still feeling alone. Which for me is actually worse than just being alone. Sometimes we have to shut off all the chatter in the outside world in order to figure out who we really are. I know some people who have to go and go. Not ever able to stop and really think. I recently was listening to a motivation video on you tube. Every morning I wake I make my coffee, take my dog out and turn on either motivational or healing tones. Which actually work my friends. Would never lead you astray. But yesterday morning I heard "How you start your day is how you will spend your day." That is profoundly a true statement. Lets analyze. When I was using I started my day by chasing or using. Either I had it or I could make the drive to go get it. One or the other. I would spend the whole day using or chasing. Sometimes three or four trips. Then after a while of being sober and a...

As I sit here in front of my computer wondering how to say what I need to say so that the world can understand what it is like to live inside my skin. My brain full of dreams that will not let me sleep. 8 years sober and and 24 years out of the my nightmare. The screams in the hallways echoing off the walls all night and all day. Seem to still find a way into my head. Sleeping on the street under the bridge wondering if I would wake up the next day and everything I had would be gone or just wondering if I would wake up. Sometimes pleading not to wake up at all. Being in and out of the system from 11 to 17 always wondering where I was gong to next. Wondering if the punishment for being a ward of the state would be as bad as the place I was currently in. Being there for the holidays was probably the hardest. The staff wanted to be at home and I was the only reason keeping them there. Sometimes there was others with me but for the most it was just me. A 12 inch Christmas tree in the hallw...

When you start living to breathe fresh air instead of dirty air there is a change that occurs. When you take your power back there is a change that occurs. When you realize that you are worth it, there is a change that occurs. For some it works best if you work on the outside first. Like going to the gym. For some it takes an inner strength and peace. Water flows best with no resistance. In other words whatever gives you strength is exactly the right thing to do. I do not advocate playing with the darkness. Once that door is opened it takes a lifetime to close. If that is even possible. Till this day I fight with the darkness but my voices are all negative and do not have my best interest. So everyday there is a battle going on inside me. When you look at me you do not see it. But some days going out of the house is a chore in itself for me. When I'm in church or at the grocery I feel very uncomfortable. Its part of my disease to feel all eyes on me. All the time. The people in the...