Hope

When you start living to breathe fresh air instead of dirty air there is a change that occurs. When you take your power back there is a change that occurs. When you realize that you are worth it, there is a change that occurs. For some it works best if you work on the outside first. Like going to the gym. For some it takes an inner strength and peace. Water flows best with no resistance. In other words whatever gives you strength is exactly the right thing to do. I do not advocate playing with the darkness. Once that door is opened it takes a lifetime to close. If that is even possible. Till this day I fight with the darkness but my voices are all negative and do not have my best interest. So everyday there is a battle going on inside me. When you look at me you do not see it. But some days going out of the house is a chore in itself for me. When I'm in church or at the grocery I feel very uncomfortable. Its part of my disease to feel all eyes on me. All the time. The people in the corner are talking about me. They can tell I have a sickness. But come to find out this is not the case. Creating friendships are extremely difficult. Even with the sobriety it is still difficult maybe more so than when I was using. I think because of the fact that I was numb I was able to put on a better show for people. Now I have raw emotions that are all dancing on the surface. I am still working on being comfortable in my own skin. Trying to find a way to make life better. I had no idea about credit or finances so needless to say I got off to a late start. By the time I did start I was so far in debt I couldn't see the light of day. With dancing and making the kind of money I made there was no sense of responsibility. If I wanted it I got it. I thought that I had to buy everything for the people in my life to stay in my life. It was not about love, which I had no clue how to do that anyways. Going from having everything with a great dad to having no one and nothing in a matter of days was a little jarring to say the least. So when I was released from a children's home in 1993. I had no life skills and definitely no job skills. Let alone to be around the same people and clock in and out on time from 9 to 5 seemed really overwhelming to say the least. I needed a home and a car to drive. I needed food in my belly and stealing for It was not okay with me any longer. I had to do what I had to do. But soon I become to old to do that job any longer. Is it a struggle to try and live a normal life. Yes. But when I look at my children and I lay my head down I am at peace knowing that today I was a good person. Even if I am broken. I would give someone a home if they were homeless and I would give someone my last dollar if they needed it. I would go without so someone can have. I think this is a lost action in a world without love. Our children suffer greatly due to the instant gratification that happens today. There is no sense of waiting for anything. I feel very uneasy at the thought of what will happen if the grid fails? Do they have the life skills to make it? Until next time my friends.