living with my voices

In all the counseling and all the psychiatrists that I seen all of them gave me bad advice when it came to my voices. I was always told not to listen to them and to ignore them. I recently took notice to all the medicine that was being shoved down my throat. The medicine was supposed to make the voices quiet. When in actuality it sometimes made them louder and meaner. I felt completely powerless. After some time of being out of the institution I was driving and the voice was telling me to pull my steering wheel into a tree going 60 mph. There were times I was doing dishes and washing knives and the voice would tell me to turn the knife on myself. I do remember a time when I locked myself in the bathroom and pulled the vein out of my arm with a pencil. I was young when that happened. One of the reasons I was sent off. Which it was needed. I did need some help. But not set out like Tuesdays trash. As I got older and the addiction really kicked in. I can see the trail. I was taking so many medications from 11 on up. The fact that I did not even smoke a cigarette until I was 23 and working in the bar. I was pretty hard headed person. But as soon as I took a hit off that cigarette I was hooked. As soon as I dropped that acid or mushroom I was hooked. My whole life has been chemically induced. So when Blake died and I completely turned my life over to dope it almost seemed effortless.When people see me they see a failure. But what is really in me is a super hero. There is no way I lived through this crazy life, doing crazy things, having crazy voices without some kind of strong will. That I refuse to stay down. I can not tell you how many times I have pulled myself up. Too many. There is no way that life should be this hard. There is no way that its all my fault that all the divorces happened. Or all my fault that no one is happy. The weight of the world put on my shoulders and dealing with my sickness made my voices louder and meaner no matter how many pills they were shoving down my throat. No pill could make the fact that the reason no one wanted anything to do with me was just that ME. I had spoke of it once in an earlier blog what I did to take my power back from the voices. I named them. I was no longer running from myself. I could stand my ground with strength. It took me a long time to stop my mind long enough to know that as long as I gave them all the power I was never going to win. I may never win completely but I am better today that what I was yesterday. And sometimes that is enough. The little things. Until next time my friends.