Shadows

So finally I think I will be able to speak of the kind of relationships that I have had. Let me just say completely engulfed to completely lost about sums it up. I can say that I absolutely have trust issues, The first man I was in love with I was 15. He was a basketball star. I was the cheerleader. We were in the children's home together. I was so engulfed. Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt?  Unfortunately my dad was not happy because his skin color was not like mine. We will come back to this first love. The second was a not healthy but I was also engulfed. I spent 7 years with the second. He decided to go out of state and I was supposed to go after he got there and got a place. I was responsible for selling all his stuff and sending him all the money. Needless to say, I never seen him again. A phone call to tell me "I wont be back and I found someone else and by the way thanks for sending me the money." So I met probably the man that absolutely stole my heart for real. I waited until I was 25 to have my first child. My boy was nine months when this man completely accepted my boy and I. He raised my son with no questions and loved me very much as  I loved him very much too. But remember I told you I have an unconscious way of pushing people away. It is coming. But before I get there him and I we had an amazing life. His family accepted me and they took care of my son because I was in legal trouble and had almost 400 hours community service. My son fell in love with grandpa which was this man's father. I absolutely loved "Dad". He soon became my dad. He loved me and we had so many conversations. He never judged me and I believe he loved me and my son very much. Dad was sick. He suffered horribly. I miss you dad and he is an angel now. But he is not suffering anymore. When dad died it killed all of us but the man I was with suffered horribly.   Now before dad died we had lost Blake. And had already had our son together which our boy was 9 months when dad died. The man and I had suffered a great deal of loss together. Now through all of this I had my first female friend. We were "best" friends for many years. She hung out with us all the time. She was at Blake's funeral.. My man and I started using heavily together. I think both of us was just trying to deal with all the loss. But like I said you can't use together and come back from it together. It destroys everything. But when the man finally left. He left to be with my "best" friend. So I was literally alone. I had no one to call. All my family was gone. When I was hitting that pipe I was crying because I didn't want it anymore but I had no idea how to deal with all the pain. I was terrified and once again alone. The first boy I told you about. After four or five years after losing everyone. That boy came back and married me. Three years and he was gone on Valentines day. I have not seen him since. Nor do I want to. I'd rather die single than ever feel any of that kind of pain again. I'm enough for myself to no longer chase shadows. Until next time.