Struggling

As I sit here in front of my computer wondering how to say what I need to say so that the world can understand what it is like to live inside my skin. My brain full of dreams that will not let me sleep. 8 years sober and and 24 years out of the my nightmare. The screams in the hallways echoing off the walls all night and all day. Seem to still find a way into my head. Sleeping on the street under the bridge wondering if I would wake up the next day and everything I had would be gone or just wondering if I would wake up. Sometimes pleading not to wake up at all. Being in and out of the system from 11 to 17 always wondering where I was gong to next. Wondering if the punishment for being a ward of the state would be as bad as the place I was currently in. Being there for the holidays was probably the hardest. The staff wanted to be at home and I was the only reason keeping them there. Sometimes there was others with me but for the most it was just me. A 12 inch Christmas tree in the hallway I remember well. The silence and the stillness was so heavy it was a thick black blanket that weighed down my soul. There was no screaming. The phone rang. "Merry Christmas" ....I was so mad. I tore the phone out of the wall. I threw the chair into the bullet proof glass that I had been staring out of all year. The chair bounced off and knocked me out. I was put in seclusion. I spent the next week in a straight jacket. In a padded room, bouncing my head off the walls wondering  "WHY?". Was I really that bad of person to deserve what I was getting. I seen some pretty rough things growing up. My memories are like that of a camera flash. Just bits and pieces that have slowly come together as I have found inner peace. As I have started to look at things in my past without rose colored glasses. There were some things I had no control over but I paid the price for.
 Today. I refuse to pay anymore of my life or my soul to a debt that doesn't

 belong to me. I have suffered long enough. Today, I am taking my power back. You can not have me no more. I have faith that  the truth is setting  me free.
My wings are not damaged any longer. I will fly.