Finding yourself

This is a mystery. For me anyways. Why am I here on this earth? I have tried all kinds of things to see if that is what I am supposed to be doing like, counseling, Lotion making, I wrote a screenplay, I came up with an invention, On and on. Trying to find out where I fit in and what I am supposed to be doing with myself. It was not until lately that I know the vibrations I put out are the same vibrations I get back. So I study hard on that. I try to smile a little more when smiling, to me, looks so ridiculous on my face. Not used to smiling at all. People judge me and say I look angry. But I'm not. I literally have to think about smiling before it ever shows on my face. It is who I am. Hard to walk up to people and say "Hi my name is Doni and I make homemade lotions." Do you know how stupid I feel? Then of course I can feel them judging me. I do not have the best clothes hell I only have the same clothes I have had for years. My kids have the good clothes and the new shoes. In my opinion that is what matters. I feel completely lost. My youngest is 10. My oldest is 16. Both males and it is just me. I guess I make myself feel better knowing everyday I'm hustling. Not in dope. But in ideas. I just need one idea that would change the world. Not to many people are going to listen to a schizo recovering addict though. Even in all my years sobriety it doesn't matter. It is always in the back of my mind that they know I am dealing with a sickness. How do you get to the place that people actually love you. How do you get to the place that people actually talk with you? I believe I have found my calling by helping people free of charge. My phone rings non stop and I have talked to people all night long. BUT this life will not provide for my family. My boy wants to go to college as well as my other boy. I refuse to watch my boys struggle just to live day to day with no back up plan. Wondering how they are going to get their next meal. Absolutely not. Over my dead body will they suffer like I have suffered. But my time is coming. I can feel it brewing. I'm almost 42 years old. This is my year. This is my time. I know I have one goal that is to have a home and a car. That is good with me. A bought and paid for house in the country, kinda, not to far out and a reliable vehicle. The house could be passed down to my boys and my grandchildren. And family vacation wouldn't involve wondering if my car would make it. I'm tired of clawing my way through everyday just to live. Something has got to give. A Christmas in our own home with presents. Now that sounds like something worth fighting for so here I am off to a new day and just maybe today will be the day I truly find who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. God has a plan for me and you.