Don't know what you got until its gone

 I look around and as I spoke of in an earlier blog about the "sunshine and rainbow" millenniums. I really got to thinking about why I am who I am. Growing up from 11 to 17 having a snickers bar was a privilege not something that was given just because I asked. So when I was able to go on leave with my Casa worker and go to Hardees it was a big deal. Your tongue forgets the sensation of the chocolate shake and the juicy hamburger. I guess my point is, maybe we should make more things unavailable in order to get the appreciation and the gratitude. Seems to be a completely lost emotion. After paying some attention I realized that who I was and who I am now is a direct reflection of how I grew up from 11 to 17. As far as my relationships that is a blog all in itself. All I can say is I am a 41 year old female with 2 boys and I have been single for 5 years. I have had only short periods of human touch in those 5 years and it made mt skin crawl. Right now it would take one heck of a man to step up to me. The damage that has been done seems almost permanent. I will tell you my fear of abandonment has brought just that, abandonment. I have learned that what you fear is what you create. This is a 100% true statement. 

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Walk with mental illness and addiction

Light vs. Dark

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I will be the first to admit that I played with to much darkness. It was all consuming. It was easy. Living in the light with positive intention has not always been easy. It takes conscious awareness day in, day out to realize and accept we are energy. And energy can be bad. You know me by now, and know that I love quotes so here is a great one. "There is a battle of two wolves going on inside you. One is bad and one is good. Which one will win today? Answer: The one you feed."  I think because my mind was so jarred at the young age of 11 and the things I was hearing and seeing made the darkness thicker and blacker. Hope was becoming a word that I gave up on. The darkness loves brokenness. I have been thinking about things a lot, to the point that I think I am excessively alone. But I am comfortable in my silence. I am very strong and out spoken. I am a truth teller and I am working on incorporating love in my words, But I am not done learning what love is. How do you handle ...
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Quick sand

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You have to know that writing this blog was by far not the easiest thing to do. To put all my pain, to be able to finally tell the truth about my life and the uphill battle I have been fighting since the age of 11. Of course there are some things that I have left out. Some things are just not worth bringing up. It will not change the circumstances. So it no longer matters. Now to be able to come to this point in my life, I literally feel like I am stuck in quick sand trying to bust loose of all the things that are so easily pinned on me. Example: Because I was a very bad person. Because I am Schizo. Because I am a recovering addict, there is vulnerability. It is very easy for people to believe that I am full of crap. Or that I did a bad thing. Or I was mean to someone because in reality I have one big issue, using gentleness. (I'm working on it) My life of being locked away, there was one thing that was never used with me and that was "is all sunshine and rainbows". No on...
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Acceptance

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This could be the most vital of them all, Also it is easier said than done. Especially for those of us that have so many layers of pain. This does not happen over night. This is something we have to work very hard for and very hard to keep. "Hello my name is Doni, I live with Schizophrenia and I am a recovering addict and I am okay with it"  I am okay with who I am. Even though I am flawed and even though I didn't deal with my pain the way you did. I'm okay with it. I accept me for who I am and I forgive myself. Forgiving. How much do you really lose by letting things go? You have to find peace in who you are right now. You got to forgive yourself first, addiction is a nasty disease.  Then you add depression or bi-polar on top of that. That is a horrible deep dark tunnel that we can not see the light of day out of. First off all that pain you are holding on to is not yours. Let it go. The saying "you are drinking someone Else's poison hoping they will die...
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