Quick sand

You have to know that writing this blog was by far not the easiest thing to do. To put all my pain, to be able to finally tell the truth about my life and the uphill battle I have been fighting since the age of 11. Of course there are some things that I have left out. Some things are just not worth bringing up. It will not change the circumstances. So it no longer matters. Now to be able to come to this point in my life, I literally feel like I am stuck in quick sand trying to bust loose of all the things that are so easily pinned on me. Example: Because I was a very bad person. Because I am Schizo. Because I am a recovering addict, there is vulnerability. It is very easy for people to believe that I am full of crap. Or that I did a bad thing. Or I was mean to someone because in reality I have one big issue, using gentleness. (I'm working on it) My life of being locked away, there was one thing that was never used with me and that was "is all sunshine and rainbows". No one had any time for that. Is it a problem? I think being who I am is a curse and a blessing. People like it because they never have to wonder where I stand. But the curse is people do not really like to hear the truth. Do not ask me if you look fat in those jeans. You may be changing. To me it is disrespectful to not tell the truth. What if your friend had something on their face? Would you tell them? I would hope so because I would want the same respect in return. This is my life. I no longer have time to dance around your feelings. I am almost 42 years old. Reality is I will not live forever. There is a kick in the ass that comes when you wake up and you are no longer in  18. Now we have bills and children to chase after. But life is worth it. Live it to the fullest. I knew that writing this blog people in my life would no longer speak to me. I'm okay with that. But I will no longer let anyone tell me what I lived or how I lived. Because in reality you were not there. You did not suffer being restrained and shot up with Thorazine. You did not have 30 pills a day shoved down your throat. So do not tell me what I lived, do not judge me because it is easy to say "well she is schizophrenic so do not believe what she says" Or "she used so use and probably still does" "She is a thief because she stole off of me before" ......YES all these things are true. But this right here is the key. I am no longer a thief. I do suffer from Schizo, but I control it. Yes I am a recovering addict with 8 years sobriety, that just maybe people should honor rather than making me feel like I'm sinking in quick sand. If I was early in my sobriety all the negative would just make me continue to use. I'm not quite sure why you would not want to use gentleness towards me but would expect gentleness in return? I am no longer a slave to the quick sand. Until next time my friends.