Light vs. Dark

I will be the first to admit that I played with to much darkness. It was all consuming. It was easy. Living in the light with positive intention has not always been easy. It takes conscious awareness day in, day out to realize and accept we are energy. And energy can be bad. You know me by now, and know that I love quotes so here is a great one. "There is a battle of two wolves going on inside you. One is bad and one is good. Which one will win today? Answer: The one you feed."  I think because my mind was so jarred at the young age of 11 and the things I was hearing and seeing made the darkness thicker and blacker. Hope was becoming a word that I gave up on. The darkness loves brokenness. I have been thinking about things a lot, to the point that I think I am excessively alone. But I am comfortable in my silence. I am very strong and out spoken. I am a truth teller and I am working on incorporating love in my words, But I am not done learning what love is. How do you handle love? How do you keep love? More importantly I have to learn the balance on protecting my soul from broken love. Rather than protecting myself by withdrawal and anger. It is so easy to welcome darkness with anger. God says "we should forgive our enemies the way we want Him to forgive us", Wow. Profound.
When I was institutionalized the shadows and the darkness there was so thick that I could not look down the hallways and not see a shadow. If you really think about it the asylums were and are a perfect place for darkness to roam. No one believes someone that is labeled insane. When there is a break in our minds and we sink into a mental challenge the darkness is right there waiting. So when you do not want to get out of bed, is it easier to talk yourself into staying in bed. Or to get up and move? Imagine magnifying that sense of depression ten fold. Especially as a child. As children we have no idea how to assert our feelings and emotions through words. Especially if it is traumatic. So when we do not speak of the first problem its easier to not speak of the second and before we know it we forgot what the first issue was or we didn't forget but now hiding behind black clothing, anger, sadness, meth, heroin, cocaine. Did you just see how that happened?  So we have built layers over layers to cover up the root issue. Just like an onion. And just like an onion you have to peel each layer back. And when you start peeling you realize its much harder to peel than to put it together. Its all consuming. It is easy to say "I know I need help, but not today." Then tomorrow and the next day and the next. What about you?  How is it that it feels so uncomfortable to be mean to someone but its okay to beat the hell out of yourself? I don't have all the answers. I never read a book that gave me any answers but I do have God. I have faith. Think about it. I had put all my faith and trust into my "Dope." I trusted my dope man to show. I trusted that when I hit my pipe I would be high and numb. I trusted that I would run out and I trusted that I would get more. A crazy life right? It took a lot of effort and did not happen over night. I told people I had trust issues but my trust was just fine. It was what I was trusting in that was broken. So the argument of "how can you trust in God when we can not see Him?" My answer for that is this. I have trusted in so many things and most of the time, I could not see it. But God is the only trust that has never failed me. Until next time.