walking with mental illness

This could be the most vital of them all, Also it is easier said than done. Especially for those of us that have so many layers of pain. This does not happen over night. This is something we have to work very hard for and very hard to keep. "Hello my name is Doni, I live with Schizophrenia and I am a recovering addict and I am okay with it"  I am okay with who I am. Even though I am flawed and even though I didn't deal with my pain the way you did. I'm okay with it. I accept me for who I am and I forgive myself. Forgiving. How much do you really lose by letting things go? You have to find peace in who you are right now. You got to forgive yourself first, addiction is a nasty disease.  Then you add depression or bi-polar on top of that. That is a horrible deep dark tunnel that we can not see the light of day out of. First off all that pain you are holding on to is not yours. Let it go. The saying "you are drinking someone Else's poison hoping they will die...

In my experience and my own life. What I have come to realize is addicts and recovering addicts are all looking for the same thing love and fulfillment. Whether the dope was or is trying to fill voids of pain and loss. Trying to find something you are good at whether its negative or positive. Something that people can tell us they are proud of us. But when we are dealing dope, running dope and the fact that we are all the top dogs in the dope world. Even though its negative its something you are good at. Unfortunately we confuse people who fear us with people who are proud of us. I think for a lot of us in my generation came up with parents who were absent a lot. Or parents who did not know how to show love. Love is a learnt behavior. If it wasn't I would not have to write this blog. If you are not taught how to love or showed complete love how are we supposed to show love to our children. For me when I got into the dating scene. The first person I fell in love with I literall...

I am going to hand you a big key. Do not get discouraged with yourself. But do you know the commercial where he says "I used to be an addict, now I'm not"? This is a lie. There is no such thing. Now there are recovering addicts. Addiction is a life long struggle. Especially if you are not going to lock yourself away from society forever. I watch these commercials and there are massages and pools. Weight lifting rooms. But please let me be clear. In my experience people only go to rehab to get the people complaining, off of there backs, for a while. Or if it is court ordered. There is a problem with rehab though. You get to go and separate yourself from your phone and all your "friends". Most of the time 30 days. But for a life long addict 30 days is not going to do anything but please the court or the people shaming you. For someone who has been dealing with addiction for years. Its going to take at least a year to be able to come home where you used to use and...

I am always available for you or a loved one. If you know someones suffering its your responsibility to help save their life. All my information is on Doni Wilcher on Facebook.  Or you can go to "walk with mental illness" on Facebook. like and share my page. Leave me a comment.

It was not until I had been sober for some time when I was able to take a good look at my roller coaster ride of a life. Many people came and gone in and out of my life. I was not able to have, Let alone, keep friends. I had decided I was going to do something to help others. I went to a lot of classes and became a CRS/CHW which is a certified recovery and mental health specialist. I was very excited. I passed with flying colors. I was going to be able to go to work helping people live a better life. Well it didn't happen like that. Because I am Schizo they wanted nothing to do with me. All that training and there is nothing I can do with it. So here I am handing the keys out along with my story free of charge. The voices in my head are not strong enough now to put me down. I did something that I was told didn't work and only gave the voices power. I named them. Since I named my voices I know who is trying to haunt me. All three of my voices are negative.  Yes sometimes it does...

Maybe one of the hardest things for me to realize and accept was that my friends did not have my best interest. One, they were always there for me when I needed to get high. If I didn't have any they did. It became a security blanket. Because most addicts deal with one issue. Abandonment. Its a hell of a thing to think that someone who brings you the dope and spends time with you till the dope was gone. Was not my friend. Their numbers were under contacts in my phone. I could call all hours of the night, they would answer.  That creates a bond. They were always there. Whether positive or negative. For me I'd fight very hard with people who would tell me they were not my friends. But THEY  weren't coming around unless it was to make me feel worse about myself. And now they want to talk about my friends? The friends that are there for me all hours of the night and day. Would drive three hours to see me. They stayed in my house and slept in my bed for three or four days. I wor...

  When I started my road to sobriety. I had had the spiritual intervention. But I still was trying to find what worked for me. No one can tell you what works for you. Addiction is the same. But we are different so what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. Religious establishments think you just hand your life to God and get over it. But that is not how it works.  Now I'm not saying that there is any other answer in the end but God. But as addicts we suffer from deep rooted pain. Sometimes the pain is from childhood where maybe we have no perception of a loving, forgiving Father. So when you tell someone that God loves them even in their filth. But they have no idea what love is. Or what a father is. Its extremely difficult to understand.  For me I really dove deep into human psychology. Energy healing. Things that have been around for thousands of years. Reiki and Chakra healing. Because something is side me was broken. I practiced yoga and not the...

I will do my best to be as transparent as I can. While we were mourning the loss of Blake. And I say "we" because I will not belittle the fact that I was not the only one who suffered. With that said. I will not speak for anyone other than myself. So its not a disregard towards others. It's my journey.             I did not have the life skills to deal with this pain. I was looking for relief. It was not a weakness. It is not a failure that I gave in to the crack pipe. Or I laid in bed for a month. Or the voices that haunted me got louder and stronger in my weakness, in my pain. I tried to admit myself in to a hospital because this is all I knew. I tried to talk to therapist that paid more attention to their watch than my situation. It got to the point that the first object I looked for when I walked into therapy was a clock. I knew if they looked at that clock one time I was leaving. I needed someone to give a damn on whether I lived or died. No one cared...

I was with child again. My second boy. In May 2005 I was 6 months pregnant. Now when I tell you this, the first thing you are probably thinking, would be wrong. "Because she used is why this happened." For me this was the beginning of my real pain. At 6 months my son decided he wanted to be on this earth. At 1 pound 13 oz. Blake was a perfect human being. Nothing wrong other than he was very early. He was tan with long arms and legs. We were at the Riley. Which if you ever have the chance to donate. Donate to Riley. Amazing hospital. On the night of May 30th the phone rang at the Ronald McDonald house where we had been staying since the night he was born. We had been with Blake the whole day. I got to change his diaper for the first time that day. It was literally a barbie doll diaper. On the other end of the phone, I hear, "Please get to the module we need to speak with you." I was freaking. I remember the walk back to the hospital seemed like it took forever .  In...

When I first started dancing I loved it. I loved the way I could express myself through music. I had no idea how to positively assert my emotions. More importantly my pain. So the music was my passion. I hadn't had a connection or a passion for anything other than gymnastics when I was younger. It may have not been appropriate in some peoples eyes. But I needed that connection to feel alive again. The lyrics seemed to speak of things I would have never been able to articulate with my words alone. I tried to have relationships. But it was extremely hard for someone to be with me. Physical contact was an issue. But you go so long without something it becomes who you are. The thought of someone brushing my arm made me sick. Needless to say this is an important part of a relationship. So it never worked out for me. No matter how much I try to explain myself and more importantly the reason I was like that.. Lets face it. My journey is somewhat unbelievable. So this is the first time I ...

I know the things I just shared with you in the blogs before this one are probably hard to comprehend. I understand. When we get to 2017 you will see why I decided to come out. I told you in my first blog on" walking with mental illness" that people that called themselves my friends would disappear. But I also told you everything I will say will be true. I knew the risk. I am okay with that.  Now Larue Carter ended up being closed down due to unethical treatment of patients. Someone wore a video camera in there and showed it to someone of importance. The patients got nothing but sent to somewhere new. Like dogs. I had already left before they were shut down. And I am Thankful everyday they did.  Well we got through that. (breathe)   I spent another year in a children home. It was nice there. I met my first love. High school sweetheart. He broke my heart not once but twice ,  Are you seeing a pattern? I had a very hard time with relationships because I didn't...

I became broken from all the mistreatment. I spent a lot of time in isolation. I can't tell you how long at one time. There were no windows. I counted the days by food. (If that is what you called it) It came to the point that I know longer cared. I hated everyone. When I did go to therapy everything I said or talked about was twisted and used against me. So I just stayed quiet. I was no longer in love with the moon. I was no longer capable of feeling anything. I spent two years in Larue Carter. Two very long years. I know that evil prowled those hallways. The shadows that were seen were so black you couldn't see through them. But you have to remember we are in a place that was so easy for evil to roam freely. No one believed any of us. Especially me.  Because of my voices no one asked my advice on anything. It was like this skin that I was in was just dead. The walking dead literally. I was taking upwards fifteen to thirty  psych meds a day. If I was to tired and slept to mu...

Since I failed to be able to function in the "outside" world (society). And things in personal circle were not well. It was decided that I was going to be adopted by the state of Indiana. And here is when things go really bad for me.  See once you are taken by state you are just that their property.  It is called being a "Ward of the state" I was shipped off to Larue Carter. If you google it put old Larue Carter off 10th street in Indianapolis. Just so you can better see and understand what I am about to tell you. At first the constant straight jackets were rough. But after a while they let me out where I could watch "Wheel of fortune" by this time I was taking 30 psych meds daily. I sat by a girl that answered phone messages by clicking her fingers together in the air. people talking to themselves and pacing..pacing...pacing all day all night . Everyday. Things got real tense in there a few times. But during holidays is when I was affected most.   Code...

After several counseling sessions and a couple suicide attempts. It was decided that I go to in patient treatment on December 23rd,1987. The first place I went to wasn't so bad. At first. But I still was telling no one about my voices. Until one night I was sleeping. When I woke there was something floating over me that was pure evil. I could not scream nor move. When it finally let me go there was blood everywhere. I was in a panic because I thought this thing just sliced my throat. Well it ended up being my tongue and my nose. So then in a panic I let it slip "STOP SCREAMING AT ME" is what I was yelling. Bouncing my head off the walls. Of course the staff member freaked and I was introduced to my first shot of Thorazine.  To give me this shot they had to call a "code green". Which meant "all big men available get to B1". That was the name of the wing I was on at the hospital.  What was supposed to be a 6 week stay ended up being 8 months. I think for...

I started going to counseling through school. But because there were so many other situations that had happened. The real reason I was there seemed to be the only thing I didn't want to talk about. I was scared to tell someone that I heard people in my head. I was a little confused because since I was a very little girl I am sensitive. Meaning, I knew when "bad" energy was near me. Rooms or homes I could sense a presence. I had an instance when I was sleeping and "someone" sat on my bed. The smell of burning leaves. I have always been very intuitive of others emotions. Which only made mine worse. Still to this day I can walk in a house and tell you if "spirits" roam there.  So I was confused on whether the "spirits" were talking to me or what. So when the counseling started it was all pretty much crap. No one believed that I was just "going through something".  I felt like all my happiness and love and anything positive was sucked o...

When I say the light switch . I mean just like that. at first I became paranoid of the planes flying over that were stealing my love for the sky. Because now I cant breathe and I know I JUST KNOW they are going to drop bombs on me. I ran over to the ditch and i couldn't get away. I was panicked,frightened and I'm not sure how long I was in the ditch. I didn't understand after the plane was gone. All I remember thinking is "WHAT IN  THE #### WAS THAT???"   Then the next morning came. I refused to get off my bed because I knew that if my foot touched that floor the whole world would blow up. Obviously I had to go to school. But it wasn't good. I could hear everyone talking about me. Or at least I thought I did.  Then started the voices. I'm going to ask you to do a small exercise with me. Please close your eyes. Now I need your imagination....with your eyes closed and imagination on. Imagine a  woman screaming in your right ear. Where you can almost feel h...

I was approaching my 12th birthday on July 5th. It was the peak of summer and school just let out. It was a beautiful day and the warm sun was tickling my face. As I laid on my back with my eyes closed. All I could sense was bright colors jumping from one place to another behind my eyelids. The smell of fresh cut grass overwhelmed me. I spent a lot of time adoring the sky. Especially when the moon was full. I always felt a deep connection with the moon and still do.  Every summer we went to Raccoon lake for my birthday. I was excited.  The trees were elegantly painted in lush green and the breeze was blowing ever so gently. Just enough to make the trees sway.  I heard my name and the sound of a 454 engine starting up and then muffled by water. Yes that was us. In our boat named "Charmin". My dads play toy and we had so much fun building that motor. I went running onto the boat dock and jumped in "Charmin". This boat had so much power that it stood straight up. Abs...

www.bodyblisses.com I think heard people butts slam shut. I need to say that I will not be specific and go into great detail about situations. Nor will I be calling anyone out by name. This is not my intentions so please breathe. I am only here to talk about living with my "challenge". Not to talk about specific situations. Now onto the next! I just want to help people know that it is not an easy road to live with mental illness but it is a driveable road. There is hope. There is a reason to get out of bed. There is a reason to be able to go into public. It's having the coping skills to do so. Its not over night and it takes work. The hardest part is accepting who you are and being okay with it. That we all deserve to be loved. No matter what. You are worth a life well lived. That every breath is not just a breath but it is LIFE. That just because you are an addict or bipolar or depressed doesn't make you any less of a human being then people working on wall street. M...

www.bodyblisses.com I was  a happy young girl at the age of 11. I had an amazing father. My dad was my everything. He was bigger than life itself. I spent most my time with my dad. He taught me a lot about life but fast cars and rebuilding motors, whether for boats or bikes, this is what we did. Countless nights in the garage. He had a beer in one hand and a socket wrench in the other. He was a very intense man full of discipline and morals.  From my eyes I had the perfect life. We were not poor and I was somewhat spoiled rotten. We were pretty blessed with fast cars,boats,motorcycles. Living well on the golf course. I remember colors being brighter, lilac trees smelling more intense. The grass on my bare feet going between my toes. We had a lot Old English sheep dogs. We raised them. Trained them and showed them. We had many different personality dogs. Some mean but mostly goofy. Arnie he was my favorite. He liked to chase cars and he didn't like beer. and definitely didn't ...