The root

  When I started my road to sobriety. I had had the spiritual intervention. But I still was trying to find what worked for me. No one can tell you what works for you. Addiction is the same. But we are different so what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. Religious establishments think you just hand your life to God and get over it. But that is not how it works.
 Now I'm not saying that there is any other answer in the end but God. But as addicts we suffer from deep rooted pain. Sometimes the pain is from childhood where maybe we have no perception of a loving, forgiving Father. So when you tell someone that God loves them even in their filth. But they have no idea what love is. Or what a father is. Its extremely difficult to understand.  For me I really dove deep into human psychology. Energy healing. Things that have been around for thousands of years. Reiki and Chakra healing. Because something is side me was broken. I practiced yoga and not the kind where snakes were wrapping up my torso. I started meditating because I had no peace. I didn't understand what a quiet mind even meant let alone to sit in a room by myself with no noise??? No it wasn't working for me. My intention was to love myself. To be okay with who I am. To take responsibility in my part for everything that happened in my life. Lets be real. If I would have just talked to someone about my Schizo,instead of lashing out. I would have maybe never been a ward of the state. If I would not have shown my ass in the hospital I would not have needle marks all over me. I had to take responsibility. I have been shunned by religious establishments because I was practicing yoga and energy healing. They said if it wasn't straight out of the bible I am practicing witchcraft. I know better than most that the darkness is real. I lived it. So when I was shamed it was very hard to stay sober. So I used. The words that come out of peoples mouths because it is their way or no way towards someone who is broken, cuts deeper than a knife. One of the reasons I decided to write this blog was to help people understand from an addicts point of view. If they are not using a Ouija board and casting spells. They are doing what they can to find love and peace. We support and give positive reinforcement.   My only example of God in flesh was the people calling me out on Sunday morning behind the pew.  God loves me because my intention was always love, peace, joy, happiness. I am still working on a few of these. But I am at peace. I can sit by myself for days. I can be silent in the midst of rage. Sometimes telling everyone what we think and how we think for every little situation only makes us vulnerable. I am still working on this too. I want so bad for people to see me doing good. At the end of the day for me, God knows the intention of my heart. That if it causes pain to someone its not good to do.  These are the simple questions that i ask myself when the day has ended
1) Did I hurt anyone today in any way?
2) Did I steal today?
3) Did I lie today?
  We all have layers of pain. But all these layers only cover the actual root of the pain. It takes courage and love for yourself to find it in your heart to be kind to yourself. Peace to you my loved ones. Know that I love you. Until tomorrow my friends.