Pushing love

In my experience and my own life. What I have come to realize is addicts and recovering addicts are all looking for the same thing love and fulfillment. Whether the dope was or is trying to fill voids of pain and loss. Trying to find something you are good at whether its negative or positive. Something that people can tell us they are proud of us. But when we are dealing dope, running dope and the fact that we are all the top dogs in the dope world. Even though its negative its something you are good at. Unfortunately we confuse people who fear us with people who are proud of us. I think for a lot of us in my generation came up with parents who were absent a lot. Or parents who did not know how to show love. Love is a learnt behavior. If it wasn't I would not have to write this blog. If you are not taught how to love or showed complete love how are we supposed to show love to our children. For me when I got into the dating scene. The first person I fell in love with I literally engulfed myself in him. Now most people didn't understand why I asked six times a day, "do you still love me?" Because I always waited on that shoe to drop. I repeated this cycle for the next twenty years. The dope in a way replaced love because it never went away. Sure I ran out but I always knew it would come back. Which is the way I wanted someone to love me. No matter if I just threw a frying pan and cussed you out. I still wanted you. Now looking back I realize all my relationships were sick. Because I was sick. I wanted to see how far I could push it and you still come back because proving to me that you were never going to leave was a 24 hour job. About five years ago I decided I was tired of looking for outside sources to love me. I had always heard the saying "No one can love you unless you love you". I have found that this statement is 100% true. Through a lot of pain with relationships and I mean a lot of pain. A lot of being abandoned and betrayed by the closet people in my life. In the end I was alone. But the pain was needed to make me break enough to know I was back to square one. With just me, myself and I. I was not willing to step out into one more relationship. Not only for me. But for whoever I was going to be with. Obviously I was broken. Everything I had spoken had became true. I spoke my reality in to the air. Soon enough if you repeat something long enough it is made manifest. So I have been by myself for a really long time. A little over four years now. For me I'm grateful for this time because I have gotten to know who I really am. I know what I like. I know what I don't like. For me that is important because I used to walk around only liking what my partner liked. Even though I really did not like it. But as long as they were happy that's all that mattered because maybe they wouldn't want to be with me anymore if they really knew how I felt. That is a hell of a life to live. No one wants to be with someone who loves everything they do all the time.  When I did that I lost myself even more. For me it took being brought to my knees to realize that it was time to spend time with me and get to know who I am. Do you know I forgot about my love for the moon and stars?
Of course to my kids mean everything to me. So having men running in and out of my home is not an option. I'm trying to raise men. With love and respect. It is hard. But I know that they are worth it and I'm definitely worth it, Until next time my friends. I ask that you share this blog and hopefully it lands in someones life who needs it. I invite you to comment and subscribe to my blog. I am always available for conversation and your privacy is top priority. I thank you and I love you all. You can find me on Facebook.