"walking with mental illness" 8
When I first started dancing I loved it. I loved the way I could express myself through music. I had no idea how to positively assert my emotions. More importantly my pain. So the music was my passion. I hadn't had a connection or a passion for anything other than gymnastics when I was younger. It may have not been appropriate in some peoples eyes. But I needed that connection to feel alive again. The lyrics seemed to speak of things I would have never been able to articulate with my words alone.
I tried to have relationships. But it was extremely hard for someone to be with me. Physical contact was an issue. But you go so long without something it becomes who you are. The thought of someone brushing my arm made me sick. Needless to say this is an important part of a relationship. So it never worked out for me. No matter how much I try to explain myself and more importantly the reason I was like that.. Lets face it. My journey is somewhat unbelievable. So this is the first time I have shared all my details in suffering. Its your choice to hear to me or not.
So I was able to be around some pretty dicey situations from 18 to 22 and keep my head on. Then my love for dancing and for music became a job. In order to get on stage I had to get high. Being in that environment and being clean only worked for a while. The hate I had towards the world even though I tried to keep it under wraps. Leaked out. The drugs made me numb again. The sting of falling in love and being betrayed was too much. There were no Thorazine shots for that pain. It was frightening to me to look back and realize how easy it was for me to fall into an addiction. I prided myself on being strong willed. But I was broken. I done some pretty bad things to flee from the pain that lied dormant in me. The drugs became my identity. Before long the addict that was in me was full blown. Here is the key....it was everybody else's fault but mine. Yes I had no control over the way I was treated in the hospital nor my Schizophrenia. I started to just stay high. It was my normal. It quieted the voices. But no matter how much I did. It always ran out. The come down was more than I could bear. So I tried to stay high. I woke up to get high. Day in day out. I found out I was pregnant on 2001. The drugs stopped. I was able to have my oldest. Who is amazing. I was still an entertainer. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to hold a normal job. I'm not sure if it was the people I had to deal with or the mundane of a 9 to 5. Both I believe. Part of my "walk with mental illness" was paranoia. It was really bad when I was using. But using became the only thing I was good at for a while. Lets face it how hard is it to dance in 8 inch heels for 8 to 12 hrs. (Yes I'm being sarcastic). There is nothing easy about dealing with men who treated me like a whore. But of course all dancers are. (Sarcasm again). Passing judgement. Another "label" I got to exist under. Don't get me wrong there were a lot of prostitutes. But some of them had a heart of gold and could always count on for a laugh. After I had my boy. I met a great man. Who loved me. But it wasn't enough for the roller coaster ride we were about to be strapped in for. As for you reading this, Know I have to tell my whole story so in the end you can understand that there is one intention behind "walking with mental illness". Hope. We have all been touched by addiction and or mental illness. Whether its a sibling, a parent, a cousin or just a friend who is suffering. In the end you will hold more keys to positively change their lives. Giving you a glance inside the life of an addict. You can read all the text books you want. Life lessons is the only way to learn this one. So let me help you save a lot of time and money. At the end of the day. The battle is yours and yours alone. Everyone can give you advice but unless they have lived it. There advice is crap. You can pay someone good money to tell you what is good for you and how to handle it. But they are not coming home with you. They are not holding your hand. They are not answering personal phone calls. Crisis don't happen only 9 to 5. You have to live with you. Until tomorrow my friends.
I tried to have relationships. But it was extremely hard for someone to be with me. Physical contact was an issue. But you go so long without something it becomes who you are. The thought of someone brushing my arm made me sick. Needless to say this is an important part of a relationship. So it never worked out for me. No matter how much I try to explain myself and more importantly the reason I was like that.. Lets face it. My journey is somewhat unbelievable. So this is the first time I have shared all my details in suffering. Its your choice to hear to me or not.
So I was able to be around some pretty dicey situations from 18 to 22 and keep my head on. Then my love for dancing and for music became a job. In order to get on stage I had to get high. Being in that environment and being clean only worked for a while. The hate I had towards the world even though I tried to keep it under wraps. Leaked out. The drugs made me numb again. The sting of falling in love and being betrayed was too much. There were no Thorazine shots for that pain. It was frightening to me to look back and realize how easy it was for me to fall into an addiction. I prided myself on being strong willed. But I was broken. I done some pretty bad things to flee from the pain that lied dormant in me. The drugs became my identity. Before long the addict that was in me was full blown. Here is the key....it was everybody else's fault but mine. Yes I had no control over the way I was treated in the hospital nor my Schizophrenia. I started to just stay high. It was my normal. It quieted the voices. But no matter how much I did. It always ran out. The come down was more than I could bear. So I tried to stay high. I woke up to get high. Day in day out. I found out I was pregnant on 2001. The drugs stopped. I was able to have my oldest. Who is amazing. I was still an entertainer. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to hold a normal job. I'm not sure if it was the people I had to deal with or the mundane of a 9 to 5. Both I believe. Part of my "walk with mental illness" was paranoia. It was really bad when I was using. But using became the only thing I was good at for a while. Lets face it how hard is it to dance in 8 inch heels for 8 to 12 hrs. (Yes I'm being sarcastic). There is nothing easy about dealing with men who treated me like a whore. But of course all dancers are. (Sarcasm again). Passing judgement. Another "label" I got to exist under. Don't get me wrong there were a lot of prostitutes. But some of them had a heart of gold and could always count on for a laugh. After I had my boy. I met a great man. Who loved me. But it wasn't enough for the roller coaster ride we were about to be strapped in for. As for you reading this, Know I have to tell my whole story so in the end you can understand that there is one intention behind "walking with mental illness". Hope. We have all been touched by addiction and or mental illness. Whether its a sibling, a parent, a cousin or just a friend who is suffering. In the end you will hold more keys to positively change their lives. Giving you a glance inside the life of an addict. You can read all the text books you want. Life lessons is the only way to learn this one. So let me help you save a lot of time and money. At the end of the day. The battle is yours and yours alone. Everyone can give you advice but unless they have lived it. There advice is crap. You can pay someone good money to tell you what is good for you and how to handle it. But they are not coming home with you. They are not holding your hand. They are not answering personal phone calls. Crisis don't happen only 9 to 5. You have to live with you. Until tomorrow my friends.
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