Walking with mental illness 6

I became broken from all the mistreatment. I spent a lot of time in isolation. I can't tell you how long at one time. There were no windows. I counted the days by food. (If that is what you called it)
It came to the point that I know longer cared. I hated everyone. When I did go to therapy everything I said or talked about was twisted and used against me. So I just stayed quiet. I was no longer in love with the moon. I was no longer capable of feeling anything. I spent two years in Larue Carter. Two very long years. I know that evil prowled those hallways. The shadows that were seen were so black you couldn't see through them. But you have to remember we are in a place that was so easy for evil to roam freely. No one believed any of us. Especially me.  Because of my voices no one asked my advice on anything. It was like this skin that I was in was just dead. The walking dead literally. I was taking upwards fifteen to thirty  psych meds a day. If I was to tired and slept to much they gave me something to wake up. Then if I was too active they would give me something to calm down. All of it gave me weight gain and suicidal thoughts. I (and others) became scientific experiments. Back then they had what was called electro-shock therapy. This was where they connected me to a bunch of wires and put a "biter" in my mouth. I went through shock therapy several times. Then there was the one I hated most, water therapy. They filled two sauna tubs. One with freezing water. One with almost boiling but not enough to give us degree burns. Pretty hot all the same. I had to lay still while they put me in a slingy  apparatus. It had extensions on each end where the staff could hold it while they dipped us in the freezing water full of ice. Held in for what seemed like forever but then pulled me up and directly dunked me in the hot water. Repeated how ever many times the doctor thought. I endured this until I was completely broken. Physically and emotionally . Their theory behind the therapy was it would shock my brain so I would be "normal". It is safe to say it only made me worse. The only other thing was a lobotomy. I never went through that but I heard people screaming who did.
The screams I heard all day and all night from tortured souls still haunt me to this day. I cant explain well enough, the way I felt. There was a sense of abandonment. I always said I felt like Tuesday trash. No one wanted me around. I didn't want to be around me. I hated me. I hated this world and everybody in it. I was completely broken. There was no hope and nothing to look forward to. I tried to hurt myself all the time. But I unsuccessfully tried to kill myself twelve times. If I had to go back and do it again and be able to take only one thing that I know now. I would choose to have God. Ill get in to that later.