Running from the pain

I was with child again. My second boy. In May 2005 I was 6 months pregnant. Now when I tell you this, the first thing you are probably thinking, would be wrong. "Because she used is why this happened." For me this was the beginning of my real pain. At 6 months my son decided he wanted to be on this earth. At 1 pound 13 oz. Blake was a perfect human being. Nothing wrong other than he was very early. He was tan with long arms and legs. We were at the Riley. Which if you ever have the chance to donate. Donate to Riley. Amazing hospital. On the night of May 30th the phone rang at the Ronald McDonald house where we had been staying since the night he was born. We had been with Blake the whole day. I got to change his diaper for the first time that day. It was literally a barbie doll diaper. On the other end of the phone, I hear, "Please get to the module we need to speak with you." I was freaking. I remember the walk back to the hospital seemed like it took forever .  Instinct as a mother, I knew something was wrong. We were taken into a white room with bright lights and sat down at the table. Across sat not one, but three doctors. This is what they said "Blake has level four bleeding on the brain. He had a brain vessel in his brain rupture. If you chose to keep him he will have to have 24 hour nurse care. He will never walk, talk or say your name he will have to have life support for life. Period." 
 In order to help you understand the depth of this situation. I need to tell you that I never knew God. I did not know about God or that there was anything other than this skin we were in. I guess I had just never thought about it. How could there a God and I had suffered so much. I never read the bible. I only heard  that God gave His only Son that we may have life. Which played a big part in my decision to give Blake back to God
From the moment the doctors quit speaking. I had this indescribable feeling. This overwhelming feeling of complete selfishness of wanting to keep my son here for the benefits of whar? My own selfish needs. Just so I could say I could. Just so people would have something to appreciate me for. Because I never knew what that was like. It took me a short period of time to know that if Blake was supposed to be here he would live when they took him off life support. They put him in my arms. Behind me I heard "are you ready Doni?" I squeezed Blake and kissed him on the forehead. I had Pslams 23 read over Blake along with a dedication back to God. (Actually that was my mother-in-laws idea). I remember the nurse counting off  "10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1." I felt Blake's soul leave immediately.
While I was still holding him in my arms I knew at that God was real. But it did not change the pain my soul was in. Physical and mental. All this emotion was way too much for my heart to handle. . My best friend of many years was there along with most my family. But you will soon see that this was just the beginning of even more pain. More harm that I caused to myself for the comfort of running from my pain. Meet Blake Wayne. Love you buddy.