Your own town

Maybe one of the hardest things for me to realize and accept was that my friends did not have my best interest. One, they were always there for me when I needed to get high. If I didn't have any they did. It became a security blanket. Because most addicts deal with one issue. Abandonment. Its a hell of a thing to think that someone who brings you the dope and spends time with you till the dope was gone. Was not my friend. Their numbers were under contacts in my phone. I could call all hours of the night, they would answer.  That creates a bond. They were always there. Whether positive or negative. For me I'd fight very hard with people who would tell me they were not my friends. But THEY  weren't coming around unless it was to make me feel worse about myself. And now they want to talk about my friends? The friends that are there for me all hours of the night and day. Would drive three hours to see me. They stayed in my house and slept in my bed for three or four days. I worked on their cars, We laughed together. BUT after about a year of trying to stay sober I realized the worst possible scenario. They were only my friends for my money. They were only my friends to serve me dope. I noticed after I started to get clean I tried to continue to have a bond with them. But they slowly faded out. When I was able to speak with them they would ask me "Hey you want me to come up?" Code word for I got some good stuff you need to try it. I would say "No you know I have been clean for a year now." Dead silence on the other end of the phone. "Oh Okay." Then more awkward silence until I just hung up the phone. Come to find out I looked at it as a friendship. They didn't. Because a friend would of said "I'm proud of you, I'll be up and we can play some cards." But it is just as the these people shaming me had said this whole time "They are not your friends." For me that was the absolute worst part is the fact the people who I thought were wrong were proved right in the end. I made a conscious decision to delete their numbers out of my phone. This was about two years after sobriety. I always thought that maybe I could see them again. But I started being honest, Brutally honest with myself, They were never my friends. DELETED.  Now pay attention  to this next part. I came back to the town I used in after a year. People would ask me about it and Id say no. But I went to the bar to have a drink and was cornered by a person I owed money to. He had the dope in his pocket and wanted me to run it. I ran it alright. Right out the door and I threw it as far as I could. I tried and tried to tell him "No I am clean." It got pretty dicey. I have not stepped back in that bar since. Sometimes I have to be okay with the fact that people do not want the best for me. They want what is best for them, no matter the cost. If I used with you I'm not coming to help you move a couch. Period. I deleted all phones numbers. I would rather be alone then be played by one more person. Leading me with fake friendship. Now I hope you see the time table. There would have been no way I would have done that early in my sobriety. People go 1000 miles away to get help and get sober. But unless they realize that the people we run with at home play a big role on whether we win or fail. That thousand miles is a waste of time. Knowing you always come back home. People think I'm pretty rough around the edges. I agree. But I had to get mad at all those people who had let me down in a huge way. Saying "No" after a lot of practice became easy. I am worth it . I know that I can never sit in the same room with someone with rock. So I don't. I know that I cant use one drug without going back to the rock. So I don't. Do I lead a lonely life? Yes. But there are no more snakes in my garden. I cut the heads off. Because I am worth it. My life is worth it. My sobriety is worth it. So on Friday when people are tossing stuff back. I'm at home with my headphones on meditating myself to higher consciousness. Peace to you my friends.