walking with mental illness

Here we are standing at that space that I was only told about. That space where my child is becoming a young adult. When I realized that I was raising children only to send them off in their life. For me it got real. I believe it is our jobs as parents to instill compassion and love. They are definitely a learned behavior. I often wonder and I am excited to the fact that they are just taking off in life and I am coming in for a landing. This life has handed me some pretty good lessons and some really brutal fights. In every way but mostly spiritual and emotional. You never think that you would be able to bury your own and live. Or become completely alone and still live. When every word that comes out of your mouth is twisted and used against especially by the ones that say "I love you". "Trust me". Because all these things on how to treat people the way I want to be treated only came to me by trial and lots of error. At one point in my life I thought that was my onl...

When we will be enough, that we no longer have to take defense to live as who we are. When does all the explaining about why we are different and where did we learn that. Why cant we simply exist in a positive manner and stop defending what we believe and how we believe. Everyone is trying to prove that their god is better and bigger. When I see that when we live in peace with one another that there is love. If there is a love then there will be peace. But where does their love stem from? Love of money? Jealousy? Envy? Freedom? Just because a person lives a different way and see things differently doesn't make them evil. Their intentions make them evil. If it takes hurting someone then I do not believe that is of God. Sometimes this world seems to weigh so heavy on everyone. For me sometimes it almost seems as if a huge thick, black blanket is thrown over the whole world and we live in hate, misery, guilt, despair. It is easier to walk with my head down and not look up. It is easie...

Even though we know we deserve good things. Even though we spend our days being good people doing good deeds for the ones we love. It is never surprising when our fears make themselves present. The darkness and the  loneliness. My son woke me up at 3:00 am on the dot. He was panicked. Knowing he saw something and heard something whisper in his ear. I do not doubt this happened. But the difference is these video games that consume him has  a way of making you not be able to deal with reality. He has a huge change coming and his mind is not able to cope. I know there are things that go bump in the night. I absolutely know. But they no longer have their place any where around me or my kids. Of all the good that I try to do and all the love I have in my heart is enough to send anything that is of not good intention back to where it belongs. The things we fear have a way of always creeping up in our lives. The things we think about but do not act on. The things we struggle with on ...

The way I have always tried to explain about all my tattoos was it is an outward expression of inward emotion. Just the same of cutters when they need to feel pain but still have some control over it. Ink for some is like a punishment and a pleasure all the same time. Beautiful pictures but quite a bit of pain to sit through. People who are damaged or broken in one way or another and have no positive way to release. This is tattoos. Outward expression of inward emotion. Sometimes there is so much pain that words can not describe it and if they did no one would understand anyways. Others who do not live a guilt and shame filled life can not relate. Because that is where it all stems from. Guilt that in someway the person that hurt you made you think you deserved it. Or that it was your fault. Some people just deal differently with things.When my son died I could of swore I was the only person in the world that felt this broken. Wrong. I was humbled several times in these last few weeks....

Here we are standing at the cross roads. I knew this day would come that I was going to have to say goodbye one more time. But this time is different this time there is a peace that is like no another. You have always been my strength. When I didn't believe in myself. You believed in me. You are the reason God and I have a relationship. There are many reasons actually but you are one. You showed me that even when times get tough you still praised His name. Even when we felt broken and completely lost together. Sitting for coffee at your tale every morning in its own way has saved my life. By showing me that love is patient, love is kind. You have always been kind to me especially when I didn't deserve it. I know how much you love my blog. I knew how much you loved to watch me dance. For the Lord and other times surviving this life. But you still loved me.  I danced for you. Now this blog post is for you, I love you. I will be a little lost when you say goodbye. But I look forw...

For me the little steps seem to make a bigger difference. Yesterday I was able to speak a little in front of people that are pillars of the community. I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long time. I conquered a small fear yesterday. Speaking in front of people. This is something I have battled all my life. If had the choice to stand up in front of the class or fail. I gladly took the fail. Let alone speak to people who have always been "someone". I can not help but feel like I do not belong. But now I am thinking bigger. Now I am thinking I want to bust through this road block of no compassion. I'll tell you,  so we have this beautiful park and it is 40 acres. Unfortunately the outside looks beautiful but the inside at the heart needs some work. I remember going to the park and doing arts and crafts. Playing team sports like dodge ball and volleyball. Now everything is separated. No one is really engaged other than on their phones. Or picking on someon...

Do you ever just watch people? Do you ever wander what happened to us as a human race? I was walking out of a grocery store the other day and an old man dropped a can good out of his bag. Of course I went to help him. Do you know what he did? He grabbed that bag like I was going to steal all of it from him! My heart was broke at the thought of scaring him. I picked up the can good put it in his bag. He looked at me like he didn't understand I was only trying to help and I didn't want to take his stuff. Quite opposite really. Unfortunately we are living in times where helping others and getting nothing in return is not existent. Period. Elders and children seem to have a soft spot in my heart. Because they do not deserve the treatment of greed and selfishness. No one does but that is our world. Me, me, me. And God forbid if feelings get hurt. But they can walk up and steal all your stuff out of your front yard. When we lost our power due to parents who did beat their kids. Then ...

I recently was humbled to the fact that I am worth having some pretty good friendships. I spent quite a few years not having to many people around me, especially females. But I had recently been connected with a couple of women who, to say the least, has brightened my life. The blessing of a friend that I can call and who cares just like I do is simply put, amazing. I honestly thought that I was doomed to be completely alone for the rest of my life. But honestly it has just taken a lot of time for me to reap what I sowed. This right here could be the top reason for wanting to stay where we are at in life. At least for me anyways. It seems to take longer to make life right then to live in the fact that we are not worth a good life with good friends. So we stay in our mess because that seems "easier". It takes much more effort to live in the light than in the dark. It takes really knowing that you are worth it and you are not willing to sacrifice your self worth any longer. But...

I always wanted to be accepted and I always wanted to fit in. I had a vision of myself when I was young of getting married and having children. Wonderful friends surrounding me and of course financially secure. I have the wonderful kids. But this is not how I seen things with my minds eye. Trying to raise two boys on my own with limited resources is anything but fun. I enjoy the conversation with my boys and I enjoy watching them grow into amazing young men. We have great times and we have bad. But in both the good and the bad they know I love them. They know I will fight for whats right and they know mommy will keep them safe. No matter the price. Love for me did not come as a learned behavior. I found out through trial and a lot of error that all I needed to do was love them the way I would of liked to be loved. That empty space in my soul has been filled. Nothing could ever separate or break my love for them. With my diagnosis and the demons that consumed me it was a long fighting b...