Givers

I always wanted to be accepted and I always wanted to fit in. I had a vision of myself when I was young of getting married and having children. Wonderful friends surrounding me and of course financially secure. I have the wonderful kids. But this is not how I seen things with my minds eye. Trying to raise two boys on my own with limited resources is anything but fun. I enjoy the conversation with my boys and I enjoy watching them grow into amazing young men. We have great times and we have bad. But in both the good and the bad they know I love them. They know I will fight for whats right and they know mommy will keep them safe. No matter the price. Love for me did not come as a learned behavior. I found out through trial and a lot of error that all I needed to do was love them the way I would of liked to be loved. That empty space in my soul has been filled. Nothing could ever separate or break my love for them. With my diagnosis and the demons that consumed me it was a long fighting battle to overcome the damage they had caused to me. The one thing that I was convinced of is that I have no place on this earth but yet all suicide attempts failed. Which I drank a whole gallon of bleach and walked away with no damage. That is just one example. So after I learned and come forward to God. I realized that He knew everything that was going to happen before it happened. Which at first made me very angry. Why would he let me suffer for all those years being isolated and restrained. Being mistreated in severe ways. Why? Why? Why?
I have found God which means I have to trust God. I know that all the brokenness inside me will work for someone Else's good. If I had no purpose to live God would of let me go. But on April 7th, 2009. He did everything but let me go. He allowed me to see where I was headed. And it was not pretty. I remember that night better than I remember the births of my children. I'm trying to work on being able to speak of what happened but I am just not ready. I catch myself questioning God about that night and I can hear Him say "Wait." So that is what I am going to do. I have tried to speak of it in the past and people sum me up by saying "well it was the dope you were doing not God." I beg to differ. I was actually told that exact phrase in a church after trying to testify. Needless to say I was shunned. These preachers and a lot of the congregation just don't understand that what they say to people and what they do effects "new believers" to the core. So when it was insinuated that I had to jump on one foot, close one eye, and hold my hand out and make a fist with my other. Spin three times to the left and then, and only then, would God ever hear my words. So I got hung up on the little things that I didn't understand.  When I found peace in letting all the questions about God go. At the end of the day I know that God loves me period. With no limitations. It says that "If we as parents whose hearts are evil can give good gifts to our children. How much more can our Father give us." God loves me more than I love my kids?? Wow. And I'm thankful for that because that is all I need in this life. I just needed Him and His love.  Until next time my friends.