Empty Holes

I recently was humbled to the fact that I am worth having some pretty good friendships. I spent quite a few years not having to many people around me, especially females. But I had recently been connected with a couple of women who, to say the least, has brightened my life. The blessing of a friend that I can call and who cares just like I do is simply put, amazing. I honestly thought that I was doomed to be completely alone for the rest of my life. But honestly it has just taken a lot of time for me to reap what I sowed. This right here could be the top reason for wanting to stay where we are at in life. At least for me anyways. It seems to take longer to make life right then to live in the fact that we are not worth a good life with good friends. So we stay in our mess because that seems "easier". It takes much more effort to live in the light than in the dark. It takes really knowing that you are worth it and you are not willing to sacrifice your self worth any longer. But it also takes time. I have been sober almost nine years. I was accused of being a junkie up until about three years ago. I was looked down upon and no one trusted me let alone wanted to be my friend. People did not want me in their homes and I can not say that I blame them. I knew that I was on the right road as long as I was trying to beat my demons. Even with the attacks on who I was. And on who I was longing to be. All I wanted to be was a good person. I wanted people to see the real me not the me that was covered by addiction and sickness. Not my mental challenge.  I took responsibility to the fact that I was the one that made that call about myself no matter what people thought about me. I was born a giver. I was born to see people smile and help every one I meet. Even in my worst of days I was always willing to help people. Yes, when I was using I was the same way. Even though it was something bad or something negative I was always willing to put myself on the back burner. I have been trying to put it all together in my mind about how I was labeled a bad person. I, myself, was not a bad person. What I did made me a bad person. But my heart was always full of love. I longed for people to see the real me. I longed for someone to love me and in my mind and the era I grew up in I thought that it took a man. I thought in order to be successful in life I had to be married and live my life as unhappy and full of drama as it could possibly get. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In order to be successful I, myself, had to find it in myself to fill all my emptiness with my own self worth. Finding self worth and purpose was and is an everyday effort. Some days are definitely not as good as others. But I know that the good will always out weigh the bad. Sometimes just being still is good for the soul. Only in the silence can you find God. And only in the silence can you find the real you. Until next time my friends.